Issue No.2 Jan/March 1983

Run Mouse Over Photograph!!!

Letter to FitzMaffs

by G. Jones

Cell 8, North Wing

6 October 1982

Dear 'Ead 'itter,

You suggest on page 18 of 'ish' No.1 of "Superman meets Fitz Maffs", that the universe is infinite. Since Einstein (or, according to Sara Needham, is it Zweisteine?) some amazing ideas about the universe have evolved, including the idea that the universe is finite. However, the universe still has no outside, no space, no emptiness, nothing beyond. We are still left, therefore, with the same import/export problem and are presumably heading for an inter-galactic monetary crisis, which could be avoided if the government were to link teachers' pay increases to universal inflation, which is something approaching the speed of light.

This brings me to my next point. The universe is getting bigger as it expands into the outside which isn't there. Each extremity of the universe is moving away from the centre (which actually isn't there either) at speeds of approaching 186,000 miles per second (sorry, 3 x 10⁸ metres per second). One would conclude that the diameter should be increasing by about 372,000 miles per sec., but not according to this Einstein gonzo, for he seems to reckon that the speed of each end of the universe relative to the other end cannot exceed 186,000 miles per second. So the universal diameter increases by something like half the distance it actually does, which means the universe is only half the width or height we actually think it is, which means we are only half the size we actually think we are. Watch it, shorty!

Since the universe is finite, so is the number of worlds. Thus your estimate of average population, a figure which was almost (but not quite) zero, must be infinitely wrong. To get the right figure we must multiply by infinity, from which we deduce that the average population is infinite - gigantic x colossal x staggeringly huge etc.

"HELP!!!! I can't breathe... I'm claustrophobic. Let me out!"

"Sorry, guv, there ain't any outside."

Yours without wax,

G. Jones

P.S. Was Einstein Irish?