Don't worry if you cannot make much sense of this: we're in the Crazy World of FitzMaffs. Personally, I haven't a clue but cheer up, Part II comes in the next issue - maybe it will make more sense then. Pellinacci is either on the brink of lunacy or he's a genius.

Issue No.3 Sept/Dec 1983

The Other FM

by Neil Pellinacci

The monthly informational magazine 'Finite Mathematics' is, in fact, much older than the Galactic High Federation, who have been responsible for its publication for the last two thousand years or so. It is believed that the magazine may well be five hundred times older than this. The Galactic Income Tax Referral and Information Service (GITRIS) claims to have records connected with the magazine's editorial staff, dating back to galactic year 5707. These records are not only of great historical value, but they are also eggs, and they are splattered all over the faces of the current editorial staff. This is because the GITRIS information shows that the then - editor Chimma Coota-Smith and his staff owed GITRIS 7.169 x 10⁹ credits. This is a heck of a lot of money.

In the galactic year 5712, GITRIS asked for their money. They were quite entitled to it. However, in the following legal battles, it was discovered that there was an important fact which had previously been overlooked. Coota-Smith's lot had owed GITRIS 7.169 x 10⁹ credits worth of rice pudding.

The bosses at GITRIS now had egg all over their faces too and, consequently, firms manufacturing disposable face-cloths became very rich. GITRIS responded to this by increasing Galactic Corporation tax by 2000%, and the firm concerned promptly went out of business, as did nearly every other form of company based in the galaxy.

All this proved was that 'Finite Mathematics' had been arouind for a long time in one form or another. Further investigations revealed that Chimma Coota-Smith was the third editor of the magazine. The founder editor was a rice-pudding farmer named Ambrosia Pfinnegan. All his assets were in rice pudding, and hence the chaos when Coota Smith took over. Pfinnegan formed the magazine so that galactic rice pudding farmers could share ideas and express opinions on the subject of hyper-intelligent rice puddings. However, there were not many rice pudding farmers interested in the intelligence of their crops, because they were just there for the money. So the magazine's interests spread to include all forms of galactic agriculture.

However, the magazine underwent a drastic transformation in the galactic year 5705. In that year, all forms of agriculture became automated, and the machines controlling this subject decided that the magazine was substandard, and they promptly banned it. A new magazine was formed, called 'Sport and Physical Training for Six-Foot Humanoids and Mobile Geraniums.' With the new style magazine came the second editor, Vilog Voomit III. This new organisation went bankrupt in three weeks, and then Chimma Coota-Smith arrived on the scene, and made the agreement with GITRIS which was to spell trouble for future editors at the magazine.

'Practical Astrophysics' was the new title, and the magazine enjoyed a vast amount of success. This lasted until late 5709, two galactic years after the agreement with GITRIS. Coota-Smith was kidnapped by a gang of hyperintelligent rice-puddings, who were campaigning for the magazine's retention of the format that was pioneered by Ambrosia Pfinnegan. A huge search was organised, and law-enforcement cruisers were armed with milk cannons to disperse any member of the gang they came across.

Unfortunately, he was never found, and the case remains a mystery. The magazine was bought by Galactic Specialist Publications Inc. During this period of ownership, there were two editors, neither of whom were very intelligent, and they had been and gone before GITRIS even knew about it. They both wish to remain anonymous, as GITRIS agents are still after them. At the end of 5711, GSP withdrew their support, and the magazine would have vanished if it were not for the invention of the Galactic High Council.

They bought all the shares, and three things happened. Firstly, the magazine's name changed yet again to its current title 'Finite Mathematics', referred to as 'FM' by its staff. Secondly, the sixth editor arrived, Zameth Fillik, who remained editor to this day. Thirdly, the egg and rice row blew up suddenly, as previously described. The High Council stepped in and arguments stopped. 5713 saw the start of the FM galaxy-wide promotional drive, in which versions of the magazine were deliberately started up on planets which had not yet telephoned the High Council Registration Service to ask for federation membership. Among these were several controversial planets including Earth, the third planet of Sol, and Attrigon, the seventh planet of Rigel.

Parents crooning gently to their babies in their prams still dream of seeing one of their children becoming editor of 'Finite Mathematics'. This is usually out of personal greed, for the job is well paid, and is popularly associated with executive breakfasts and a lifetime supply of free rice-pudding.

GITRIS agents, crooning gently at parents, who are crooning gently at their babies in their prams, dreaming of seeing one of their babies as editor of 'Finite Mathematics', still dream of seeing editors lying dead in a pool of rice-pudding. Because of this dream, employees of the magazine work at great personal risk, and one writer who sat down one morning to work out his life expectancy, was ruthlessly killed by poisonous marmalade.