Issue No... Well, actually, FitzMaffs had ceased trading - so although this letter was submitted, it was never published (1988)

Run Mouse Over Photgraph!!!

Another Letter to FitzMaffs

by Senoj of Nodnol

Ward 8, Secure North Corridor

Dear Evad of Yelkcoh Daor,

Whether you are interested in Maths, computers, English, Classics, philosophy or the endless ravings of that super-crank, Pellinacci, FitzMaffs is always a good read.

In the last edition, the article on Zeno caught my eye. At first I was hesitant to write since my letter in a previous issue regarding an article on Archimedes by Edmund Cannon, was met by a stinging attack from the author's mum. The latter accused me of having an Anglo-Saxon mind, which, for a Celt, is certainly hitting below the wig. However, as the Zeno stuff is anonymous, I feel fairly safe in commenting.

When one studies classical philosophy, one is always struck by the endless stream of daft questions upon which they wasted hours, sitting with no clothes on, head-on-fist, pondering. I mean, who cares whether the jolly dog catches the stupid rabbit anyway? Nevertheless, SENOJ of NODNOL has seen through the rotten trick. The whole thing is a con, probably set up by that outstanding ancient mathematician, YELDNAH of CRAMIWZTIF. You see, if one assumes constant speeds for both dog and rabbit, then the dog will obviously catch the rabbit when the dog has run 200 metres. The Zeno problem is created by slowing down time. So, mathematically, by halving the distance the rabbit is allowed to run, thereby halving the amount of time left, time is never allowed to run out, nor can the required doggy distance of 200 metres ever be achieved. Thus, on this basis, the dog will catch the rabit at the end of eternity (which is a contradiction in terms), by which time, teachers' pay might have caught up with inflation.

Now this is a clever trick and might seem far from reality, but it is a situation which could exist, it is thought, in black holes... although no one has ever put the hypothesis to the test, and would be unlikely to return to tell the tale should he/she try. (I could suggest names of some pupil volunteers). When matter is drawn towards a black hole, it is accelerated towards the speed of light. As this happens, its experience of time slows down. At the speed of light, time would stop. In theory, therefore, since time is being slowed down, it will never reach that final situation where time stops completely and will never, therefore, reach the black hole. Recent theory has suggested that the same problem would obtain if, in an attempt to get back to the beginning, we reversed the universe back to the Big Bang.

Anyway, if you do not believe me, ask Laurence Rowland (ish.8 page 3) - whoever he may be - because he seems to be loony enough to understand all this infinity stuff - although, if he had read FitzMaffs ish. No.2 pages 26,27, he would have read an excellent letter by a neglected genius which explained quite clearly that the universe is finite.

So what I am saying is this: the dog does catch the rabbit, unless both are being accelerated into a black hole which, as everyone in Resources knows, is opposite the Deputy Head's office. This would explain why pupils seen in that area often seem in a state of suspended animation.

Yours faithfully,

G. Jones